|
|
|
I should be dreaming
|
I cannot sleep. This is pretty unusual for me, usually I am so tired that I'm knocked out as soon as my head hits the pillow. So I got up, padded in darkness to the bathroom, came back here, ripped the flannel cover sheet off the bed and sat down. And I just lit a cigarette.
I suppose I cannot sleep because I have so many thoughts going through my head. I just watched the movie, the stepmom, and it made me cry like fifteen times. I love movies like that.
Been thinking a lot about goals lately, never thought much about them until I met donny, been thinkin' goals are a pretty good thing to have.
So I made one. To move out of this house in five years or less. It's my moms house, I rent it from her, cheaply, and I don't want to be here for much longer. In this physical place and in this mental place.
I will have my vet tech degree in the spring of two thousand seven, and my brother will be out of the corps in two thousand eight (I think, minus reserves) and I would like to maybe let him have the chance to live here, if he wants it.
I want to stay here at least until he gets out, that way he has a place to come back to when he comes home on leave, other than my moms house.
It feels good to have a goal, though right now I can't look much farther than five years.
I think theres a fine line between living in the present and living in the future, if you set too many and too high goals for yourself, you are living in the future, and I also think theres a fine line between goals and dreams.
Setting unrealistic standards is bad and eventually frusturating,
So my goal is to be totally on my own, and my dream is to move to san diego and live on the beach.
Maybe in five years my dream will be a bit more realistic, but for right now I'm just taking one day at a time and living it.
Donny sets unrealistic goals for himself, I think he's really just a dreamer in denial. Or maybe he's just in denial of being a dreamer, I can't really judge him because I don't know him that well.
He always comes around, he always calls me sweetie, one day he called me beautiful, but I did call him hotstuff first. He's the first guy to ever call me beautiful, and so I was.
I built walls around myself but to him I feel totally exposed. Except he has built walls around himsself though he's actually an open book.
so difficult to explain human emotion, especially yourself, sometimes others can do it so much better. I've got so much to learn about myself.
The cars outside on my street sound different now. They sound like families bundled up in warm parkas with the heather blasting, before they sounded like kids looking for a place to hang out and get wasted.
!<-- - -->?
�������
lucky
|
|
11.10.2004 - 01:10
|
|