You are free whenever you write and thats why i like your diary so much, i think. its like, you dont even think about what you are going to write, you just write it. you let your consciousness stream involuntarily almost, you dont stop to smell the roses you just become the rose. you become the air that is being breathed. you become blank almost really because you are unconsciously being conscious. god i hate spelling that word. Your mind totally dominates your existence of being, and i think thats all that will ever really matter. the mind is stronger than anything, if anything i would say that your mind is your soul. if anything contiunes to exist after your phsical deaht i would have to say it would be your mind. I think about death constantly, constantly, it would be safe to say i have an obsession with it. but i've come to accept it because its going to happen. im just not scared, im not scared i will go to hell for eternity because i am a sinner. im not scared that i will reenter the wheel of life and become a chicken, or something as insignicfant as that. if you become reincarnated as a chicken in those religions that beleive in reincarnation it is considered the lowest level. only 'bad' people go there. i guess i'm not scared because i realize that there is no sort of afterlife at all, you just die. you either get stuck in the ground or burn up but you are the ashes are you are the skeletal remains. thats it. Or maybe we are all in hell, right now. maybe we have already lived our life and become sinners and now we are sitting in hell. maybe thats why we have some of the dreams that we do. maybe peopel are psychic because they have already lived this life before and have been forced to memorize every little fact about everyone they will ever come into contact with. its predermined of course, obviously. mabye is called 'limbo', limbo if you will. forced dejavu for an entire existence. if that was true then nostradamus would fit into that category. prophet, psycic, basically the same thing.

I smoke cigarettes, one pack a day. I want to smoke a smoke every hour at least, thats how oftne the craving hits me on average i say. but while im sleeping i do not want a smoke, the craving does not wake me up from a dead sleep. i don't even dream about smoking and if i would happen to dream about smoking it would be totally expected beacause technically if what they say about addiciton is true i would be woken up wanting to smoke a smoke. so what does that say about so called addictions. they ssay that when you quit smoking every cell in your body goes into a type of withdrawl because every individual cell in your body has the addiction. its kinda scary to believe that it could all be in your mind but i sort of believe it. then again i tried to quit and it was the hardest thing ive ever done. then i came to the conclusion that i just love to smoke, i love it, but what smoker doesnt. i love to smoke and i know its probably going to kill me. i do not want to be restrained by any sort of medical procedure or device or shit. i just want to die. i dont want to be prodded along on this hellish path that is called life. so just let me go, let my mind be my existence, if that is what truly happens.

its like, everything just clicked right then. I wish i could of taken a photograph of my mind, but then again, i think i just did, and thats what you do whenever you write.